Today is Easter, as you all know. In the past few days, I have been at the church to attend a mass. I was not keen to go because I prefer sitting in my wooden chair and facing my computer head on. This is my 17th Easter and I know nothing about it.
I felt good whenever the mass is over but most of the time I feel sleepy during the mass. When somebody is speaking, I can’t really concentrate in listening. I have been told that it is effective to focus on the speaker’s face but not to me. My vision goes blurry and it hurts if I force it. I reckon this is due to my abuse.
I tried to shut my vision and just listen but after a while something kept cramming in my head. They came because part of me wants them. The idea of what will I do after this mass, what page am I in the book, what will I write. I’m guilty of thinking selfish things in times of mass. But mostly I’m guilty because I know it’s wrong and I kept doing it.
For Christians, we have to go to church in the last days of Holy Week. Upon listening to the message from the priest, I understood what it was but I can’t put it to use. I am all theoretical not practical. I’m all words not actions. Though one thing that remains on what he said: we all die. I kept forgetting that fact and I kept refusing how to prepare myself for that day.
I was also hoping for confession but I didn’t have the chance. Or I had the chance but I didn’t grab it. Either way, I regretted it. I had only confessed my sins once. That was when I’m a 11-year-old kid. That was because I was forced to. It’s not required but I have been told that it felt good. I want to try it next time. Hopefully next time.
Today is Easter and I don’t even know what to do after. I know Christ have risen and I don’t know how to rejoice. I know I should but I choose not to. It’s a shame actually. I was raised following this tradition, this religion. It’s an irony that I can’t find its meaning to life. Maybe next time. Maybe I’ll have my first Easter.